Yesterday was Selkie’s in-canon birthday (My timeline is so skewed on this one: her stated-on-panel birth year is 2002 but the comic doesn’t progress in real time and has to loosely slide-scale by necessity, so Selkie is both 8 years old and 18 years old as of yesterday. Go figure), and the 10th year anniversary of the comic as a whole, a fact which I woefully did not prepare for. (I’m not always good with big dates).
I’m kind of awed to think that I’ve been running this story for ten years, and I still have plans left to get to. Still stories to tell.
See you all in ten more, I suppose. 😉
Also received a very well-timed fnaart update over the weekend, from Pingo:
Thank you for the sisterly fanart, Pingo!
Today's edition of the Secret Commentary is empty, because Dave failed to come up with something for it.
Yay, Happy Birthday! 😀
HAW. I love the fanart that’s hilarious.
Food is an entirely different category though.
I mean, that’s fair.
Todd is such a good dad. And looking forward to many more Selkie comics, congrats.
This comic is 10 years old? Wow.
I was a junior in high school, now I’m a teacher with a house.
Time flies, yo.
One of these days I am going to craft Selkie’s birthday cake and send you a picture before my family dismantles it to eat. I’ve been practicing making roses out of both bacon and lox for that purpose.
Send me some, too? 🙂
That sounds delicious!
Eight and eighteen. Happy birthday Selkie.
Bart Sipson, Eric Cartman, Kyle and the rest on South park – stuck in time and never growing older. The life of a 2D character.
Tehk is also correct. Past pain shouldn’t be forgiven too easily either. Sometimes it allows the same person to take advantage of you and it can also help you learn to identify when someone else is doing the same things. Its a tough tightrope to walk.
Forgiving and forgetting are different things. Forgiving someone who has hurt you, and whose track record shows that they will do it again, doesn’t mean you put yourself in a place to be hurt again (if there is any way to avoid doing so–this can easily be twisted into victim blaming, which I’m not trying to do here). You also don’t have to tell the person you’ve forgiven that you’ve done so–sometimes the person thinks they’ve never done anything to be forgiven *for*, or it wouldn’t be safe to communicate with them for other reasons, or they’re dead. Forgiving is for you, not them–not forgiving is simply poisoning yourself to spite someone else. It’s not mindwiping yourself so you can’t recognize patterns of behavior.
The leader of my church group explained it to me this way: Forgiveness is nothing more than letting go of the idea that they owe you for their wrongdoing. You don’t, and shouldn’t, forget what they did. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, put yourself in a position to where they can hurt you again. You don’t even have to let them back into your life. It is nothing more or less than letting go of your need to either punish them or have them make amends to you.
To use a metaphor the Bible uses, if them hurting you is a debt, you forgiving them is just wiping away the debt. Nothing about that means you ever have to lend to them again, or that you have to forget that they reneged on the debt in the first place. It simply means they no longer owe you any money, and you no longer need to punish them for not paying you the money (never lending to them again is protecting yourself, not punishing them).
She also explained that you don’t forgive someone because they deserve to be forgiven (they don’t, in my case), but because you deserve the peace forgiveness (true forgiveness, not what we as a society have twisted forgiveness to mean) brings. Thinking of it that way helps me remember what forgiveness truly is and is truly about.
Yes! And there are so many little details packed into the modern concept of “forgiveness” that we need to tease apart more than we do.
If a person who hurt you deeply is dead, then forgiveness is letting go of the concept of ever making right what was done. You can’t hurt that person with your lack of forgiveness; it can only ever hurt *you*. That’s one case in which forgiveness even for the most heinous things is likely a good choice (if you can manage it).
Some families pressure the victim to “forgive” their assailant, on the principle of “don’t make things so weird and awkward for the rest of us.” That’s ridiculous. If Bob deliberately hurts Alice, then Alice has every right to want nothing to do with him, even if it causes a rift in the family. And even if Alice chooses to forgive Bob, that doesn’t mean that Alice suddenly has to be okay hanging out with him, or that she will never bring up his bad action again. It doesn’t mean that Alice won’t take steps to protect other loved ones from Bob, if it seems likely that he might hurt them as well.
And yes, forgiveness is not merited. Or rather, there’s a few concepts of forgiveness that are pulled under the same umbrella, and one of them has nothing to do with the victim “deserving” to be forgiven — quite the opposite.
TYPE A: You didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m going to take a positive step to smooth things over between us, so that this undeserved awkwardness can go away.
TYPE B: You did something wrong, but it’s not such a big deal, and I’m going to choose to ignore it.
TYPE C: You did something horribly wrong, something we might use the term “unforgivable” for, but now you have gotten to a point where I believe you will not do such a thing anymore, and I am willing to allow you the freedom from the old chains that your bad behavior put on you, at least as far as the relationship between us (aggressor and victim).
TYPE D: You did something horribly wrong, and you don’t even seem to care, and I think you’re likely to do it again. But I’m letting go of part of the impact that your act had on me, because I don’t want to be hurting myself with my own thought/emotion processes by hanging onto this bitterness. I certainly won’t put myself in a position to be hurt by you again, though.
So, at least that much.
I’m working on a story that explores forgiveness and self-forgiveness after terrible deeds, and the concept of whether a person who’s done truly evil things can ever get back on their feet and live a good life again. It’s been interesting to pull apart all the details that we pack into such a simple word.
One can forgive and not forget. Forgiveness doesn’t imply that you will ever trust or even talk to the person again, it means you’ve decided to stop being angry about it, whatever it is. Forgiveness isn’t always appropriate either- it is up to the wronged party to decide if, when, and under what circumstances to forgive an offense. Some things can be unforgiveable, and some people show they have learned nothing so they should remain unforgiven.
Don’t hold grudges, forgive what you can, but forgiveness is not an unmitigated good and it should not be preached as the Bestest Thing Evar. Nor is it generally possible without the offender learning from their mistakes; Truck could be forgiven ONLY because he learned and apologized, and even then Selkie could have chosen not to forgive him.
This is a very good point, but I would like to add to it by saying that there’s also a difference between forgiving and excusing. If someone did something really awful, forgiving them does not magically make it okay, and there should still be consequences; justice must still be done. Forgive, but don’t excuse. I honestly think a better and more accurate term for “unforgivable” is “inexcusable”; anyone and anything can be forgiven, as it really is ultimately about the person doing the forgiving being released from their anger, but what the person did shouldn’t just be swept under the rug. They’re two different things that frequently get conflated with one another.
Criminals don’t just magically get off home free if the people they’ve committed a crime against forgive them, it just means the victims no longer hold hate for them in their hearts, and they will still have to spend time in prison for their crimes (I personally do not believe in the death penalty save for the most extreme cases where someone can continue harming people while imprisoned). Where lesser crimes and offenses are concerned, it is up to the victim to decide if they want to excuse them or not.
I also agree with your statement that it is often only possible when the offender has learned from their mistakes. BUT even if that person has grown, and you forgive them, it does not retroactively make what they did okay. Amanda and Truck’s bullying of Selkie was and is still wrong, but Selkie has chosen to forgive them and move on in their interpersonal relationships instead of constantly dwelling on the past as they have both grown as people and at least somewhat apologized for their actions. That being said, it is also possible to forgive someone even if they have never apologized, but, if still in contact with that person, make it clear that, should they do it again, it will not be okay. If you never see them again there’s really nothing you can do and forgiveness is more about your own peace of mind.
I could go on about this, but it’s gotten long enough. I’m really sorry for this wall of text, but I just wanted to share a distinction that I myself have found very freeing.
Grace, sometimes “holding hate in their hearts” is unavoidable. Calling some crines merely “ineexcuseable” comes across to me as diminishing the harm they cause.
Truly, if someone hasn’t been able to forgive, do you think they haven’t heard this lecture dozens of times? Do you believe they will be able to just “decide” to forgive, and no longer feel any hatred? I am certain you intend well, but do you understand how it is even more pressure on the one who has been harmed?
I am very sorry that what I was saying came off as insensitive and even pressuring, that was not my intent. I do not believe that people can just magically “decide” to forgive, as it is a process that takes YEARS, something I myself know firsthand. Nobody should be pressured into forgiving, because that isn’t what forgiveness is, it is a choice that the individual comes to _when they are ready_, and not a moment sooner, whether that take months or even 50+ years. There is no shame in that, and people need to respect both you and the process. Everybody moves at their own pace. I do not think _any_ of those things. People really shouldn’t lecture someone for not forgiving when _they_ (the lecturer) feel they should, as that is actually quite a selfish thing to do, because it sees something in someone else’s life as personally inconveniencing THEM (something I have also experienced), when they need to mind their own business and let the other person live their life. If someone is unable to forgive someone, there is zero shame in that. That’s where they are at the current point in time, and they need to be allowed to move at their own pace, no matter how long it takes. My point, however, is that forgiveness isn’t _impossible_, it just might take a very long time. That is completely normal, even healthy.
“Inexcusable” is actually quite a powerful word, more than people realize. Allow me to explain the distinction: excusing is saying it doesn’t matter, it’s all in the past, retroactively saying it’s okay, i.e. what most people call “forgiving”. It is, and it isn’t. It’s forgiving the ACTION, which is also known as “excusing”. Forgiving the PERSON is another matter entirely, and that is something for which the only term is “forgiveness”. Hence, forgiving vs. excusing, and the reason why the word “inexcusable” has so much power. It’s a little bit like the saying “love the sinner, hate the sin”. To love somebody doesn’t mean glossing over their flaws, that’s not healthy. To love someone is to want what is best for them. It doesn’t always seem to make sense. It doesn’t erase or diminish what they did, but they are not their actions. You can (and sometimes even should) hate what someone did without hating them. You don’t have to forgive/excuse their actions. That’s not holding a grudge, it’s being realistic. Forgiving is about not actively holding it against them and not viewing the _person_ as the sum of their actions (speaking from personal experience). What’s in the past cannot change, but people can change and grow.
That being said, I am not implying that someone should keep someone who is straight-up toxic in your life, or try to reconnect with them. Certain people, through their own choices in life, are irredeemable, and aren’t worth your time. If they’ve been given chance after chance, if they just never change or even get WORSE (despite having it pointed out explicitly at least once), absolutely cut them out of your life; you do NOT have to love them. In this case, the forgiving process, which will take as much time as it needs to (which, as mentioned, is completely normal), is ultimately out of love for _yourself_. That doesn’t erase what happened, far from it, and that is completely normal. Wounds of every kind take a long time to heal. The problem I had been addressing (as mentioned) was the tendency to conflate “forgiving” and “letting it slide”. Forgiving does not mean letting what they did go or saying it’s okay, it’s not about not letting it bother you. It’s about restoring the peace of mind of the forgiver so they can move forward in their life without having the pain and hate dragging them down. And, as mentioned, this will take as much time as is needed, and nobody should be pushed into forgiving before they are ready. But that doesn’t mean that the readiness will never come, it may just take a very, very long time, which is completely normal.
I am sorry if this is not terribly well organized and kinda circular, and I probably left some things out on accident. I had an even longer answer with multiple well-illustrated examples but it reached essay length and I didn’t want to give you a wall of text (it made this look short by comparison). I could still post it if you like, but if not, that’s fine too. 🙂 I hope this was at least somewhat helpful in clearing up what I had said, and I hope you have a lovely day.
Forgiveness is not about whether or not someone has learned their lesson. It’s about your own peace of mind. You don’t forgive someone because they deserve it. You forgive someone because *you* deserve the peace of mind forgiveness brings. The fact that someone hasn’t learned their lesson doesn’t mean you still have to be angry with them over what they did. It just means you shouldn’t put them in a position to hurt you again. You don’t need to hold on to anger to do that.
As someone with a history of holding grudges, all staying angry with them, especially someone too self-centered to understand that their actions were wrong, does is add stress to your life while doing nothing to them. Someone who doesn’t believe they were in the wrong isn’t going to suffer because you’re holding on to anger. They don’t care. In fact, often times, it benefits such people for you to be angry at them, because they then get to turn around and score brownie points with their friends and acquaintances by bragging about how you hate them for no reason, but they’re being the bigger person and not rising to your bait. To people who don’t know the full story, you come out looking like the aggressor, and they come out looking like the victim, and nothing you say will convince the Court of Public Opinion otherwise. I will tell you from personal experience that holding on to anger does nothing but evil, and the things that would remedy any situation I’ve been angry about are best done with a cool, calm mindset.
I believe for many victims, including myself, your causality is backwards. Over to time, we can heal and gain peace of mind, and our anger can fade. Only then is forgiveness possible and healthy. I can’t conciously decide to forgive, or achieve a Vulcan lack of emotion.
If you see forgiveness as the result of being calm, then you don’t understand what forgiveness is.
At its core, forgiveness is choosing to move on, rather than hold on to anger. That you think you had to be calm before you forgave someone says only that you had already forgiven them in your heart, but your mind had yet to come around to the idea that you had moved on. You can’t heal if you’re still holding on to pain. That’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way.
If you see forgiveness as the result of being calm, then you don’t understand what forgiveness is.
At its core, forgiveness is choosing to move on, rather than hold on to anger. That you think you had to be calm before you forgave someone says only that you had already forgiven them in your heart, but your mind had yet to come around to the idea that you had moved on. You can’t heal if you’re still holding on to pain. That’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way.
It’s not a lack of emotion. It’s not saying everything is okay. It’s not even something that is a single event. That letting your anger fade? That’s the process, not the prerequisite. Anger doesn’t fade unless you let it. It takes time to fade, but that it fades at all is because you are no longer holding on to it and staying mad. I will tell you from experience, as the victim of something you’d call unforgivable, that there is no good reason to hold on to anger. It clouds your judgement, plays merry hell with your health, and makes you look like the bad guy.
I’ve forgiven the people who did it to me. I don’t believe what they did was right. I have no intention of letting them back into my life. If I ever have children, they will be treated as threats if they ever approach my kids. But I no longer feel the need to see them punished, as it will do no good (She’s a narcissist who will twist it into a frame job by an ungrateful bastard, and he’s so thoroughly wrapped around her finger that he’s practically melded to her flesh). I no longer feel the need to seek vengeance, because that will just ruin what’s left of my life without, again, doing a lick of good. My best move now is to just live the best life I can and leave them in the past where they belong. Not forgotten or regarded complacently, just evicted from their former rent-free space and kept at enough of a distance to be harmless, and left at that. I hold grudges far more easily than I like to admit, and I’ll tell you from experience that they never do any good, but there’s a lot of harm that’s come out of them.
Absolutely! Far too frequently, victims are pressured to forgive, to stuff down their emotions. Forgiveness becomes yet another form of victim-blaming, putting more pressure and responsibility on them. In many cases, it comes across as wanting the victim to pretend everything is ok, so that the forgiveness pusher doesn’t have to deal with any negative emotions or change their own behavior. It goes right along with”not taking sides.”
Happy Birthday to Selkie! I can’t believe it’s been ten years. But … isn’t Selkie nine now? Didn’t Amanda just have her ninth birthday a while ago and established that she (Amanda) was the older sister?
Awesome fan art, Pingo! (If they’re reading this)
Yes, Amanda had her ninth birthday not too long ago in comic time. Selkie has not yet had her ninth birthday, but it is very close to that point in comic-time. Hint hint.
(Another hint-hint: as Selkie’s birthday is at the end of May, it falls very close to the end of the school year)
🙂 I misunderstood then, I thought you were saying that yesterday was Selkie’s in-comic birthday. No worries. SOON! 😀
Agreed. As she was already eight at the start of the comic, she should be nine by now.
The fan art is totally adorable.
Mood: high as a kite.
Thoughts: this is one of the best webcomics EVER.
A wall mounted phone with an answering machine. This comic really IS 10 years old XD Happy birthday Selkie!
There was an earthquake on the East Coast coupla years ago. Cell phones didn’t work. Land line worked. In 2012-13 there was a big East Coast snow storm; power was out for days. The land line still worked. Fios didn’t, but the copper land line still worked. Imma keeping my Copper land line.
Say it! Go on, Say it!
“OK, Boomer.”
Sometimes I think about removing those, then I feel like I’d have to explain the continuity error in the apartment layout that only I care about, and it’s a recursive mental loop from there.
Bah. There are plenty of reasons that a piece of antiquated technology would still be around. Heck, our family has more than one cell phone per capita (because I have two, plus one I lost somewhere that might still be in the house), yet our main phone is a wireless landline, and we still have a unit with an answering machine included that is in our bathroom and isn’t exactly hooked up but is still there. Tech doesn’t change for everyone all at the same time.
Also I’m annoyed that Steam won’t let me use my landline for their market confirmation security, which leaves me out of the loop as neither of my cell phones is set up *as* a cell phone (they both use wifi exclusively) and I refuse to pay for cell service.
Anyway! Wanted to compliment you on making good use of art overlapping the panel borders. Kudos!
I’m still using a 4:3 monitor, which is apparently so obsolete that Bethesda didn’t even account for them in designing Fallout 4. I have a flip phone that I used regularly as recently as a year ago, and my Xbox 360 is still in working order and sees sporadic use. People hold on to tech they like. I’d have a landline if I could afford one, simply because it’s more reliable than a cellphone. Having an old wall-mount knocking about is fine. I’ve been in homes with rotary phones in the last 10 years.