Honestly, she handled that situation very mature. Mari was actually being the more immature one, for once. Andi is aware that she’s made a mess and she’s aware that she’s intruded far more than she realized. It seems as though this is her way of saying she’ll handle her own problems and stop pushing them off onto Todd and his family. That’s a step in the right direction.
I do hope Mari allows her to clean this up and goes into the other room to see her grandkids. Perhaps stop and tell Andi she can join them once she’s finished if she’d like.
Asking first is what she kinda should have done. I get annoyed when people do this too. It isn’t immature to want someone who has actively hurt you to leave you be.
She handled that very well. I think she ultimately and genuinely came for Amanda versus being afraid of being alone on Christmas. I was talking with a friend the other day about adoption of older kids and she told that there is big routine used to combat attachment disorder that many older children have when they are first adopted. For about a year, the parents keep the kids very close and ask all other adults not to be super friendly to the children until the parents and children have a firm, healthy attachment beteween them. I don’t know how applicable that would would have been in either Selkie’s or Amanda’s case, but something about the whole way Andi’s handled Christmas reminds me of it.
I disagree that she handled it very maturely. She handled it better than I would have expected, but snatching the broom from Mari’s hand was not mature. Starting with “Uuuuhhh, what are you doing” is not very mature.
“Mrs. Smith, please, that mess is my fault, let me clean it up for you, go enjoy time with your family.” That would be the mature way to handle it.
Even better:
“Mrs. Smith, I know you are upset and you have every right to be. What I did was beyond awful. I can’t take back what I did but I’m doing my best to be a good mom for Amanda now and that includes making sure that she is a part of your lives too. I’m sorry for intruding tonight and I’m sorry for the mess I made just now. Please let me finish cleaning it up so you can go spend time with your family.”
Still its at least a step in the right direction from Andi.
Yeah, for sure, saying “I’ll never bother you again” is just trying to guilt someone and to be frank, at this point Andi isn’t in the position to be trying to guilt anyone right now.
To be fair, I am sure Todd’s Mother could have done the same thing at her point with any number of things if she had heard a scream too, dropping something to make sure everyone is okay. So I’d assume she’d be a little more understanding than that.
I meant more of the fact that she’s going to clean up her own messes and not force it on someone else. Besides, if Andi had asked, Mari would have told her no. She was already being hostile and said their conversation was over and that she should just get out of her sight. Mari made it clear she didn’t want Andi in the same room as her and didn’t let Andi finish from before. She was mad at her for saying she panicked and decided that was the end of the conversation because she didn’t like what she heard. She’s being immature. Andi snatched the broom, yes, but given Mari’s actions now? I doubt her asking for the broom would have gone well. Andi decided the best thing to do was quite literally take the problem out of Mari’s hands. Mari is the more dominant of the two women and if Andi hadn’t done this impulsive action in a small bought of courage, she’d be walked all over again because she loses courage so fast.
And, common, now people are just nitpicking at Andi. “Ahh she better clean up that mess.” “She’s cleaning up that mess, she’s doing it wrong. She’s doing it manipulatively.” Be honest, even if she had said it some other way, there would still be some fault to be found in how she did it. Her saying, “It’ll never bother you again.” Isn’t manipulative. Mari TOLD her to get rid of it. Mari laid on the guilt trip. Andi is just doing exactly what was asked of her. Her actions aren’t necessarily the most tactful, but she tries in her own way. She’s trying to clean up the literal and figurative mess she’s made.
And again, Mari opened up completely hostile and would have stayed in that mode regardless of how Andi approached the situation. Better for her to be bold than cowardly and submissive as per her normal behavior because, as I said, she would’ve backed down from Mari once Mari insisted SHE clean up ANDI’S mess and that Andi leave her to it.
Andi did well here. She didn’t cry, she didn’t whine, she didn’t snap back at the biting words, she just said she’d handle it and that Mari should enjoy her Christmas.
Mari wasn’t in the kitchen to cook. She already said so (page 825:”I’d apologize for inviting you to the kitchen under false pretenses, but I figure I’m owed at least one.”).
She was in the kitchen to confront Andi with the urn. Well, she did the confrontation. She demanded that Andi remove the urn. Just because it spilled, that doesn’t mean she gets to take the urn-problem back, clean it up herself, then snarl at Andi for not cleaning up.
She did tell Andi she was going to bake her traditional Christmas cookies, though. And I think it would have been best neither to ask nor snatch but firmly take while posing the responsible thing which is to say she was going to clean up her own messes now… But she did not. She snatched, then explained… Andi does things so rough! Rough on herself and on others. But, obviously, she’s trying. Eh. I still don’t like her LOL. I wonder if she’d learn better if someone literally told her what the right way to do things (even if it was only in their opinion) would be.
Dave> Shouldn’t Andi say “Mrs. Smith”? She knows she’s married and all…
I agree, it would not have been hard. It would have been very easy to ask and be coldly refused (as would certainly have happened, Mari already told her to just go watch the girls or something…), and then slink out of the room, having failed once again to take responsibility for a mess.
It would NOT have been hard. It would only have been wrong.
Mari was in full hostile mode. I am not going to nitpick Andi for taking the matter in her own hands (so to speak). There is rarely any one right way to do something and here there was probably mostly a multitude of ways to do it wrong. I’m giving Andi full marks.
As I said before, she shut down any potential conversation as soon as Andi returned. She decided their conversation was over of her own accord, not taking into consideration if Andi felt the same way. She was done and didn’t care if Andi was done. I’m not saying she’s bad for it, because she’s angry about how she was wronged, but she very much tried to shut Andi down before she even got a chance to say anything. Andi responded in a way that’s very unlike her. She didn’t cower or slink away, she stood her ground for once.
As I said before, Mari is definitely the more dominant woman in this situation and if Andi piddled around trying to figure out the best way to ask Mari how ANDI should clean up her OWN messes, then she’d have been walked all over again and lost her nerve. Andi needs to do what Andi needs in order for her to change. She needs to stop thinking about how her feelings might make other people sad or mad. That got her INTO this mess. Sure, she did this in a way that comes off as rude, but I think she did it in the best possible way for herself. Andi does not have courage or the ability to speak up for herself and voice her thoughts. Mari easily could’ve bullied Andi into getting her way and Andi would have backed down and ran with her tail between her legs. This is a huge step for Andi. She doesn’t need to keep feeling sorry for herself or worry about how she’s going to offend others so much. She needs to be considerate of others, yes, but she needs to stop trying to please people while bending over backwards to try and avoid every and all source of conflict or strife.
Andi is different in her actions and manner of speaking. It doesn’t make her terrible just because her mannerisms and speech habits are rough around the edges. She talks very much like most young adults or college students or someone who’s not very social. She was trying to be nice to Mari, in her own, misguided sort of way. If Mari knows Andi at all, she should understand this.
But perhaps Todd’s entire family never truly knew Andi. Maybe she hid it. Maybe they just didn’t pay attention and they walked all over her too, because she let them. Maybe they’ve got no idea who Andi is or how she’s ever felt. But at this rate, they never will. If Andi doesn’t stand up for herself and keeps being a doormat, things will never change for anybody. So if Andi has to be a little ‘rude’ in a sense in order to better herself and her relationship with the Smiths in the long run, I say it’s all for the better, especially for Amanda. These small steps and small instances of courage will be good for her.
Totally OT…. Wow, I didn’t realize you early commenters were up *so early*. How on Earth do you guys manage to regularly get up at these times??? If it wasn’t for our dog, I’d be asleep.
UTC + 7 would have been 2:30, not 3:00. Nowhere on Earth currently follows UTC + 7:30 for Sams statement to be true. Like I said, shenanigans are afoot!
“Miss” Smith? There are three possible forms of address here, and that is the LEAST likely one for a woman whose husband and grandkids are in the house.
I don’t see Andi being insulting here. If Dave intended for her to say that, it was only to illustrate how flustered (to put it mildly) that she is right now.
Miss, Mrs., Ms. — the three forms of address for a woman in English who doesn’t have some other title take precedence (Doctor, Mayor, Lady, etc.).
She’s married, and not divorced, so she’s not a Miss. Might still be a Ms., if she’s keen to avoid the implication that she’s just part of Theo’s clan, but that doesn’t seem likely for her.
Andi has been around Mari long enough to know her preferred form of address, I would think. Unless upon first meeting Mari was like “Call me Mari” and ever since then the issue of address never got raised.
If it’s deliberate shorthand for “flustered,” fine, but it seems like an error / typo to me.
If it’s not an error, it might be based off of how Andi’s mother is addressed, which would be an interesting insight. Not sure if it would fit any pieces around, if that’s the case, save that Andi would default to mom-authority-figure address when in this flustered state.
Or that the use of a title/lastname at all is Andi trying to respect boundaries-of-relationship now.
But it isn’t like she’s not educated or having been living by herself, or have KNOWN the Smiths for years… She’s an idiot LOL. That is truly the worst title to call her aside from slurs and curse words, because she KNOWS the person she’s addressing and STILL gets the title wrong when… I can only assume… she was trying to do the polite distance thing. Yer guess is as good as mine aside from it is another thing on the huge laundry pile of Andi mess-ups. What I wanna know is if Dave did it on purpose!
It is odd. I wouldn’t put too much weight on it, though. Unless Mari reacts to it one way or another, I’m going to assume Dave really meant to write Mrs. Smith but was typing the text in late at night.
Eh, I refer to all females as Miss So-and-So, regardless of marital status and regardless of whether or not I know their marital status. Down here, most ladies tend to love that because “Miss” carries younger connotations than the other two.
Side note that doesn’t apply here: This is also a great way to still convey respect to someone who wants you to call them by their first name, such as with customers or clients.
I get annoyed when people (or cold calls, or mail) calls me Ms. I’m not a feminist, I don’t identify with any of that sub-culture, and to me the use of an unasked-for Ms. title takes away my freedom to identify with the culture I was raised in, which was until recently the prevailing American culture.
I really enjoy sites that allow correspondents to choose their own title, if it includes at least the four Mr. Mrs. Miss Ms., and ideally some Dr. and other options. Shows that they understand one size doesn’t fit all, and they don’t presume, they ask.
I’m more likely to get weirded by “Mrs” since I kept my last name. (Spouse’s last name + my first name = TOO LONG. And sounds funny together. And my last name is mine. So there. And 25 years of being married suggest it’s not a problem. 😉 I don’t mind a “Miz,” though I’ll quirk an eyebrow at “Miss” if it’s clear enough that it’s not a Ms./Miz.
As an African American female raised in an African American household, you don’t snatch from -nobody- unless you’re actively looking to get smacked into next week. Lol
Believe me that is a common trait households have now and then. It can be like culture shock going to any ones house and hitting on that family’s specific no no’s. One family I knew black listed anyone who didn’t ask first before using the restroom no matter how often you had been there. And another considered any use of the phrase of ‘I don’t care’ as extremely insulting. (I got given half a glass of tap water after using “I don’t care, anythings fine” as an answer to what I wanted to drink and was quietly informed later I had stepped on there family’s personal berserk button)
As a writer, I am highly interested in hearing more of these sub-culture taboos. I don’t know that I ever hit any myself… or perhaps I’ve just been blind to them (a problem, given my desire to write). Nearest I can remember was one family being very strict about cleaning your plate :\
Sub-culture might still be too broad a term. In my family, you’re a guest until the third or forth visit. Afterwards, you’re family and don’t need to ask permission for common things like bathroom use. Of course, you tend to get drafted for chores like cleaning up and doing dishes because, well, you’re family. 🙂
Is there a more accurate term? I’m assuming that although a given family might have some unique-to-the-family unwritten rules, most rules develop from a fusion of the two clans that joined within the marriage, mixed around a bit with the other families they’ve experienced and some things they’ve seen in the media and their own personal predilections and so on.
But I’d be very surprised to see these things pop out of nowhere. They seem more like trends that run through a swath of families, rather than just one.
Well, on the one hand, you shouldn’t assume that people who aren’t part of your family would know the unwritten rules. BUT you should be able to assume they don’t do certain societal rules (e.g. permanently marking up / painting parts of the house, picking roses, throwing things out that aren’t strictly trash, going nude where others can see them, using medicines of any kind without clearing it with the host, using the computer without asking, entering the master bedroom and snooping around, etc.).
I would hazard the problem is that it’s not always very clear to a family which rules are FAMILY rules, and which rules are SOCIAL TABOO rules. Family rules should be pointed out to guests; social taboo rules shouldn’t need to be unless the guest is from an entirely different culture. But if you’re so used to a family rule (no shoes in the house) that it feels like a social taboo rule, you might not think to do that, and you might assume they should automatically know.
If I’m hosting a dinner, and the guest starts doing things that are far outside the acceptable norm, I’m not being a “shitty host” to not invite them back, nor do I have to justify my decision. It’s just up to me to try to figure out if their behavior is unreasonable or if my expectations are the unreasonable ones.
That does get balanced against grace, for which I offer the following anecdote:
The Queen (I forget which one, but from England almost certainly) was hosting a dinner party, and a foreign dignitary was there.
The foreign dignitary wasn’t used to the English table manners, including the use of a finger-bowl — a little bowl of water for washing fingers between courses. So at one point he drank from it. Everyone in the room was aghast, and looked to the queen to find out her response.
With all the poise that is trained into true royalty from their youth, she raised her finger-bowl and drank from it, and the entire table followed suit.
In this way, she avoided any embarrassment to the dignitary. It was really a little thing after all, not worth troubling anyone over. And this is an example of true Grace.
Nice story:) I do like all the characters in Selkie, however, I don’t think I would label any of them as having grace, not even Lilian, for her flub with the wine LOL.
wow. so much subtext here, i can´t even begin to point it all out – her ‘i came here to clean up a mess’ with an unspoken, but loud and clear ‘not to cause another/even more’ is epic…..yet, i´m still missing an apology. sndi says she wants to clean up her ‘mess’ aka make up for everything, but it seems she has no idea how to go about it. hence she´s constantly putting her foot in it.
You know… I bet Andi doesn’t have any idea how to go about it. I bet that anytime she messed up, as a kid, her mother basically micromanaged her Required Responses — and either Andi never managed to learn the rules; the Required Responses varied too much between incidents to have rules; and/or her mom never sat her down and gave a sequence of events for How To Apologize. Likewise, friends, school officials… Andi only apologizes reactively, not actively, normally, I bet. So Andi’s attempts to make up to people are foundering because she expects them to Tell Her what they want her to do to make it right, and… well, for one thing, this is nothing that can be Made Right. Eventually, with time and work and boundaries and pretending to be civil, I could see a positive outcome. Say, when Amanda’s 16 and hopefully more sorted out… But it’s one of those things that there’s not going to be much hurrying, I’d think, and no one’s yet had the awareness that they need to sit Andi down and give her rules and the “honestly, the wounds are fresh and it will probably take at least as long for them to heal as Amanda’s been alive” expectation. (And hold the boundaries firm themselves, because Andi is likely to reflexively, unconsciously test them.)
I hope someone does something like that soon, because one of the rules/boundaries that they’re going to have to think about is when and how to tell Amanda the truth. I’m sure Andi would like that to be “on the twelfth of NEVER” but it’s gonna come out someday. Someone will get mad at Andi and bam, right in front of the kid. (I’m still hyper-leery of Andi’s mom here as a potential vector for that information. I wonder if concern (conscious or not) for that has contributed to Andi not introducing Amanda to her other grandparent.)
There’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic, wherein Buffy is dealing with the aftereffects of a traumatic event from the television series.
And the guy who hurt her asks her what he can do to make it better.
They’ve come a long way, and are friends, but she still has some PTSD flashback-y kind of stuff going on in her brain. But after talking with a counselor, she finds enough grounding to point out to the guy who hurt her that, you know what, when she’s having this kind of trouble, she shouldn’t have to take time making sure that HE feels better (or less awkward).
That sometimes she’s going to need space, and sometimes she’s going to want closeness, and she will tell him what she wants, and he needs to be okay with it, whatever it is. But sometimes she’s not going to be able to deal with his emotional state at the same time as dealing with HER emotional state, and she shouldn’t have to, and he needs to accept that.
I think the comic was heavy-handed and just a wee bit out-of-character for the hero… and I understand why they probably did it, to avoid some real-life implications of the way they wrote the tale, because there are some very strong in-story reasons that it doesn’t mesh with real-life situations, but the implications are unavoidable — but despite that, I found the comments interesting, and they helped me understand how that sort of situation might go in real life, in a way I didn’t before reading it.
Sometimes the victim of an old injury (let alone a fresh one) isn’t capable of conveying “what must I do” to the one who hurt them. And they shouldn’t have to, because their first concern is NOT the emotional state of the one who hurt them.
You have a point; the “sit down and explain how slow progress would be” action — while I think it would be really important — would probably wind up coming from someone less involved in being the ones bleeding.
(I’m raising a kid on the autism spectrum. Sweet and empathic, but sometimes explaining the social rules for the form that empathy should take… Well, ya gotta deconstruct them yourself, then try to explain “why” as far back as the “why” goes before you get to “I dunno, but that’s the societal expectation.
I do NOT think Andi is on the spectrum, but I do think she would’ve (and still would) benefitted from some clearly-laid-out social skills, with the motivations behind them…)
…I think I’m in the “Andi, you and Amanda should be getting some therapist time” camp now. *wry chuckle*
You know, one of the coolest “This kind of thing actually EXISTS?” books I ever ran into at the library was a book that laid out all the little tidbits of unwritten code people in general English/American culture abide by — for the benefit of those for whom “unwritten rules of social conduct” is at best a foreign language and at worst complete gibberish.
(I mean, why DO we have such a hang-up about discussions of money, or about saying things using their actual words? It’s weird.)
I have my own problems with social cues, though I doubt I’m anywhere near the Autistic/Asperger’s spectrum. But I found that book incredibly gratifying. It just went through — not in paragraphs but in bullet points under different headings — each and every little thing that you might want to know about how to navigate social issues.
Everything from “When you eat, you use a fork and not your fingers” to “Don’t just leave the table when you’re done; stay there and talk until everyone else is done too.” (Not specific examples from the book, but the general kind of stuff they covered.)
There’s a website I’ve run into a couple times that does this for cultures. Going on a business trip to Thailand? Here’s what you need to know to keep from offending anyone and to translate between your intentions as an American and the way they READ your intentions as someone from Thai culture.
It’s actually really cool to read through all the little tidbits you wouldn’t think of until someone’s glaring at you and you’re wondering what you did wrong.
I am impressed Andi. Yes, it wasn’t as polite as it could have been but it is way more mature than I would ever have guessed she could be, especially after a miniature roller-coaster. And being able to admit that a) she caused a huge mess and b) would like to clean it up are both a big step (at least to me). And the fact that this really does a bit more to show that she actually is here for Amanda’s sake than I originally took her to be. Andi got moved onto my not-so-hated list. I still think a long time in therapy sessions would be extremely helpful, but at least she made some strides here.
Yes, rude. But, you know… I think, in context, it is Andi showing a bit of backbone. She won’t be shuffled off to “watch the girls, or something,” leaving Mari to fix yet another mess. This is not a situation where she should say “May I please…?” That would imply she might take no for an answer — and she won’t. She’s not going to ASK Mari for permission to clean up her own mess. She’s going to do it.
My guess is, if she’d asked, Andi thought Mari would lay into her even more so being pro-active was the way to go; Mari’s already pissed as hell at her, why add to it when doing is almost always the better choice.
Which is why I suggested a better alternative: firmly grab broom while saying that you intend to clean up your own mess. And if she wants to show even more backbone, don’t let go when Mari won’t give LOL
The woman (a bit of a stretch given Andi’s age and maturity level) who for the past 8 years had been lying to Marci (and her family) about her granddaughter being dead, including for all but the last year being an ACTIVE part of that family as Todd’s girlfriend (think about that, all the Christmases, Thanksgiving, etc. spent together), guilt tripped her way in to their Christmas Eve celebration, just dumped the urn containing her granddaughters fake ashes all over the kitchen floor after going from supposedly remorseful teary mess to happy go lucky in a matter of seconds. Yeah I’m going to say Marci is well within her rights to be pissed off at Andi (who still has yet to say “I’M SORRY”).
Not only is their the complete and utter betrayal from this massive lie, there’s the loss and mourning that she unnecessarily put the family through as well. On top of which its now readily apparent that Andi has and continues to be willing to manipulate Todd, Marci’s son.
In all honesty I don’t know if I would have HALF the control that Marci has had up til now when dealing with Andi, post-Amanda’s still alive revelation.
So, I’ve noticed you use this spelling before. (Or possibly someone else use it here, but it’s unusual enough that I think it was you.)
The word “common” (KOM-uhn) is “normal, in general use.”
You seem to be after the phrase “come on” (KUM ahn / KUM on), an invitation or command to jump in and do something. The short form is “c’mon,” which attempts to make one syllable out of a sound combo English doesn’t like to work with (KMAHN / KMON) but generally ends up more like 2 syllables, or at least one and a have (k’ MAHN / k’ MON).
Thus “Come on, grab your friends” or “C’mon, grab your friends.”
Mari is skirting the line of justifiably angry and on-my-nerves vindictive. Andi dropped the urn when she heard her child scream, that’s a pretty good reason to drop what you’re holding and run to your kid. Andi then returns to the kitchen expecting to clean up the spill and is rather surprised to find Mari starting to clean rather than handing her the broom.
Mari’s allowed to be angry. She’s allowed to tell Andi just WHY she’s so angry and make it clear that the family dynamic they’ve enjoyed for the last nine years is going to change. But she’s going to need to ease up a bit unless she wants to poison her relationship with Amanda.
It is also possible that, Mari being more experienced, recognized Amanda’s yell and an exclamation of delight whereas Andi tore outta the room like it was (perhaps in Mari’s opinion) convenient to exuent while she could and get outta the heat (yes, of the kitchen… so many metaphors visually here!) But, really, Andi was likely just thinking, “Hell! What’s wrong with my kid?!” And, obviously, there’s a lack of communication between the two. It is Andi’s forte after all:)
Ah, Andi, sweetie….that’s the problem right there. “It’ll never bother you again.” But it will. The fact that you’ve brought Amanda back does not undo the eight years of suffering and grief your continued-with-props lie brought to people you ostensibly cared for. While YOU might have suffered from guilt, YOU at least had the “knowledge” that Amanda was ALIVE. You never experienced the same depth of suffering they did…your loss was one of a choice you made with hope of better life…theirs was one of DEATH. Right now your presence is causing them PAIN, something you seem to continue to be oblivious to.
Huh. I dunno. I wonder if Andi is trying to say SHE’LL never bother them again or that the ashes won’t… Which isn’t true, because she’s gotta dump that somewhere and it has to be in the Smith’s garbage can… So, yeah, whoever takes out the trash will know it’s in there. But that’s the little stuff I guess.
Question: is she gonna keep the urn or toss it, too?
Seems to me more like “At least this is ONE reminder I can move out of your life right now.” And that seems like an okay thing to say. Those who spent so long with that urn will carry the memories, occasionally get triggered by them, but with the urn itself gone it will be one — just ONE — factor they don’t have to be affronted with on a regular basis.
I say it’s a start. And if Andi could learn to value the decision-making skills of other people, and their right to know what they’re choosing and choose it instead of having the choice made for them or being forced to make the choice in ignorance, that’d go a long way toward making some other things stop being such roadblocks to normalcy.
A few others have made some interesting points. Particulalry regarding Andi’s mother. Though I don’t think she is being hesitant about that meeting so much as practical. She asked her mother to come to the adoption and was refused because “I already said goodbye”. Cant say I would expect that meeting to happen for a long time if at all.
Andi not knowing how to make amends seems pretty improbable/unlikely. You don’t soend years as someones girlfriend and part of their family without a few fights and learning at least some basics on how to resolve them without grudges. Now that isnt to say she could perfectly resolve this even if she knew exactly how they handle fights and apologies. However that long means she at least should know what theyd expect on a basic level.
As for the snatching of the broom. There were both better and worse ways to handle that. The best option imo was not ask, nor grab. A firm “No, I will, you go spend time with your grandchildren” would A) remove the option of saying no without being rude and B) remind Mari that they are her family and they aren’t going to be here every day of the year.
This may seem and probably is a little manipulative, but I do think Mari needs the reminder that this is holiday with family and her time with Amanda is far more restricted then Andi’s.
Heh. Game, set, match. Andi.
Honestly, she handled that situation very mature. Mari was actually being the more immature one, for once. Andi is aware that she’s made a mess and she’s aware that she’s intruded far more than she realized. It seems as though this is her way of saying she’ll handle her own problems and stop pushing them off onto Todd and his family. That’s a step in the right direction.
I do hope Mari allows her to clean this up and goes into the other room to see her grandkids. Perhaps stop and tell Andi she can join them once she’s finished if she’d like.
Asking first is what she kinda should have done. I get annoyed when people do this too. It isn’t immature to want someone who has actively hurt you to leave you be.
She handled that very well. I think she ultimately and genuinely came for Amanda versus being afraid of being alone on Christmas. I was talking with a friend the other day about adoption of older kids and she told that there is big routine used to combat attachment disorder that many older children have when they are first adopted. For about a year, the parents keep the kids very close and ask all other adults not to be super friendly to the children until the parents and children have a firm, healthy attachment beteween them. I don’t know how applicable that would would have been in either Selkie’s or Amanda’s case, but something about the whole way Andi’s handled Christmas reminds me of it.
I disagree that she handled it very maturely. She handled it better than I would have expected, but snatching the broom from Mari’s hand was not mature. Starting with “Uuuuhhh, what are you doing” is not very mature.
“Mrs. Smith, please, that mess is my fault, let me clean it up for you, go enjoy time with your family.” That would be the mature way to handle it.
Even better:
“Mrs. Smith, I know you are upset and you have every right to be. What I did was beyond awful. I can’t take back what I did but I’m doing my best to be a good mom for Amanda now and that includes making sure that she is a part of your lives too. I’m sorry for intruding tonight and I’m sorry for the mess I made just now. Please let me finish cleaning it up so you can go spend time with your family.”
Still its at least a step in the right direction from Andi.
Yeah, for sure, saying “I’ll never bother you again” is just trying to guilt someone and to be frank, at this point Andi isn’t in the position to be trying to guilt anyone right now.
To be fair, I am sure Todd’s Mother could have done the same thing at her point with any number of things if she had heard a scream too, dropping something to make sure everyone is okay. So I’d assume she’d be a little more understanding than that.
Well damn. I need to put my glasses on, I thought it said “I”, not “It”, no I look like a jerk. Ha ha.
Missed that part, good call.
I meant more of the fact that she’s going to clean up her own messes and not force it on someone else. Besides, if Andi had asked, Mari would have told her no. She was already being hostile and said their conversation was over and that she should just get out of her sight. Mari made it clear she didn’t want Andi in the same room as her and didn’t let Andi finish from before. She was mad at her for saying she panicked and decided that was the end of the conversation because she didn’t like what she heard. She’s being immature. Andi snatched the broom, yes, but given Mari’s actions now? I doubt her asking for the broom would have gone well. Andi decided the best thing to do was quite literally take the problem out of Mari’s hands. Mari is the more dominant of the two women and if Andi hadn’t done this impulsive action in a small bought of courage, she’d be walked all over again because she loses courage so fast.
And, common, now people are just nitpicking at Andi. “Ahh she better clean up that mess.” “She’s cleaning up that mess, she’s doing it wrong. She’s doing it manipulatively.” Be honest, even if she had said it some other way, there would still be some fault to be found in how she did it. Her saying, “It’ll never bother you again.” Isn’t manipulative. Mari TOLD her to get rid of it. Mari laid on the guilt trip. Andi is just doing exactly what was asked of her. Her actions aren’t necessarily the most tactful, but she tries in her own way. She’s trying to clean up the literal and figurative mess she’s made.
And again, Mari opened up completely hostile and would have stayed in that mode regardless of how Andi approached the situation. Better for her to be bold than cowardly and submissive as per her normal behavior because, as I said, she would’ve backed down from Mari once Mari insisted SHE clean up ANDI’S mess and that Andi leave her to it.
Andi did well here. She didn’t cry, she didn’t whine, she didn’t snap back at the biting words, she just said she’d handle it and that Mari should enjoy her Christmas.
She took it out of Mari’s hands without asking. That’s the only criticism. Yes it’s good that she’s cleaning but she should have offered instead.
All Mari wanted was for her to get out of the kitchen so she could cook in peace.
Mari wasn’t in the kitchen to cook. She already said so (page 825:”I’d apologize for inviting you to the kitchen under false pretenses, but I figure I’m owed at least one.”).
She was in the kitchen to confront Andi with the urn. Well, she did the confrontation. She demanded that Andi remove the urn. Just because it spilled, that doesn’t mean she gets to take the urn-problem back, clean it up herself, then snarl at Andi for not cleaning up.
Thank you Sessine! I’m glad someone got what I was getting at.
She did tell Andi she was going to bake her traditional Christmas cookies, though. And I think it would have been best neither to ask nor snatch but firmly take while posing the responsible thing which is to say she was going to clean up her own messes now… But she did not. She snatched, then explained… Andi does things so rough! Rough on herself and on others. But, obviously, she’s trying. Eh. I still don’t like her LOL. I wonder if she’d learn better if someone literally told her what the right way to do things (even if it was only in their opinion) would be.
Dave> Shouldn’t Andi say “Mrs. Smith”? She knows she’s married and all…
How about Andi asks for the broom instead of being rude. Which is what she was being. Ask then get the broom. It isn’t that hard for her to have done.
I agree, it would not have been hard. It would have been very easy to ask and be coldly refused (as would certainly have happened, Mari already told her to just go watch the girls or something…), and then slink out of the room, having failed once again to take responsibility for a mess.
It would NOT have been hard. It would only have been wrong.
Asking permission isn’t wrong. Especially if she friggin’ words it right.
Andi: Mari,I made the mess. I should clean it up.
Or anything to that effect. But then again. I wouldn’t wanna be around someone who has hurt me and my family.
That’s the point though. There would be no correct way for her to have said it. Mari still would have shot her down and Andi would’ve lost her nerve.
Supposedly. You think she would have.
But seriously? Mari is just annoyed with the prospect of cleaning up. We got no proof that she’d turn her down.
Mari was in full hostile mode. I am not going to nitpick Andi for taking the matter in her own hands (so to speak). There is rarely any one right way to do something and here there was probably mostly a multitude of ways to do it wrong. I’m giving Andi full marks.
As I said before, she shut down any potential conversation as soon as Andi returned. She decided their conversation was over of her own accord, not taking into consideration if Andi felt the same way. She was done and didn’t care if Andi was done. I’m not saying she’s bad for it, because she’s angry about how she was wronged, but she very much tried to shut Andi down before she even got a chance to say anything. Andi responded in a way that’s very unlike her. She didn’t cower or slink away, she stood her ground for once.
As I said before, Mari is definitely the more dominant woman in this situation and if Andi piddled around trying to figure out the best way to ask Mari how ANDI should clean up her OWN messes, then she’d have been walked all over again and lost her nerve. Andi needs to do what Andi needs in order for her to change. She needs to stop thinking about how her feelings might make other people sad or mad. That got her INTO this mess. Sure, she did this in a way that comes off as rude, but I think she did it in the best possible way for herself. Andi does not have courage or the ability to speak up for herself and voice her thoughts. Mari easily could’ve bullied Andi into getting her way and Andi would have backed down and ran with her tail between her legs. This is a huge step for Andi. She doesn’t need to keep feeling sorry for herself or worry about how she’s going to offend others so much. She needs to be considerate of others, yes, but she needs to stop trying to please people while bending over backwards to try and avoid every and all source of conflict or strife.
Andi is different in her actions and manner of speaking. It doesn’t make her terrible just because her mannerisms and speech habits are rough around the edges. She talks very much like most young adults or college students or someone who’s not very social. She was trying to be nice to Mari, in her own, misguided sort of way. If Mari knows Andi at all, she should understand this.
But perhaps Todd’s entire family never truly knew Andi. Maybe she hid it. Maybe they just didn’t pay attention and they walked all over her too, because she let them. Maybe they’ve got no idea who Andi is or how she’s ever felt. But at this rate, they never will. If Andi doesn’t stand up for herself and keeps being a doormat, things will never change for anybody. So if Andi has to be a little ‘rude’ in a sense in order to better herself and her relationship with the Smiths in the long run, I say it’s all for the better, especially for Amanda. These small steps and small instances of courage will be good for her.
I proposed the way to do it correctly above: Firmly but slowly grasp broom while saying she is cleaning up her own messes from now on.
“You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit into the wind
You to take the broom out of Mari’s hand
And you don’t mess around with Jim.”
(apologies to J Croce)
Totally OT…. Wow, I didn’t realize you early commenters were up *so early*. How on Earth do you guys manage to regularly get up at these times??? If it wasn’t for our dog, I’d be asleep.
Early? It’s 3pm.
Timezones, yo.
It’s 3:30am here. Where are you?
Yeah wait, where in the world could you be that it was 1:30 US Central time and 3:00 pm where you are. There isn’t a timezone that lines up like that…
UTC+8:30 is North Korea (!!) and UTC+9:30 is part of Australia……or perhaps he just rounded?
Yeah but that would have been 4:30 pm or 5:30 pm. local time, not 3:30. I think Dotcom is up to some shenanigans! Dastardly deeds!
UTC +7 is a time zone. Mid-Russia, looks like, lines up with it. Indonesia, too. Google is thine friend.
UTC + 7 would have been 2:30, not 3:00. Nowhere on Earth currently follows UTC + 7:30 for Sams statement to be true. Like I said, shenanigans are afoot!
Rounding to the nearest hour, perhaps? It’s too early in the morning for splitting hairs.
And yes, I know Dotcom admitted it further down, but still.
Okay, so, apparently, you meant Sam. My bad.
And Thailand, apparently.
Yeah, I was actually up at 3:30am. East Coast US time. Very tired.
Ah apologies! I meant to accuse Sam of shenanigans and you got falsely accused instead (though at 3:30 am maybe you were up to trouble too 😉 )
I think everyone is up to shenanigans, so all is all right.
Maybe Sam was just messing with us. 🙂
Its 5 p.m. here in Japan!
Japan? Wow! Are you a Japanese citizen, from a Western country (asking because your name—which is possibly not your real name), or somewhere else? 🙂
American of primarily Western European heritage currently living and working in Japan teaching English as part of the JET Programme!
“Miss” Smith? There are three possible forms of address here, and that is the LEAST likely one for a woman whose husband and grandkids are in the house.
I don’t see Andi being insulting here. If Dave intended for her to say that, it was only to illustrate how flustered (to put it mildly) that she is right now.
3? Mrs. and Ms. I can think of whats the third? Marci the Great and Powerful?
No no, “The Great and Powerful” is reserved for the wizard of Oz….or Trixie, if you’re into that show XD.
Oh Trixie…
Miss, Mrs., Ms. — the three forms of address for a woman in English who doesn’t have some other title take precedence (Doctor, Mayor, Lady, etc.).
She’s married, and not divorced, so she’s not a Miss. Might still be a Ms., if she’s keen to avoid the implication that she’s just part of Theo’s clan, but that doesn’t seem likely for her.
Andi has been around Mari long enough to know her preferred form of address, I would think. Unless upon first meeting Mari was like “Call me Mari” and ever since then the issue of address never got raised.
If it’s deliberate shorthand for “flustered,” fine, but it seems like an error / typo to me.
Sorry I misread your comment as 3 forms OTHER than Miss (Miss being incorrect for the reasons you mention)
If it’s not an error, it might be based off of how Andi’s mother is addressed, which would be an interesting insight. Not sure if it would fit any pieces around, if that’s the case, save that Andi would default to mom-authority-figure address when in this flustered state.
Or that the use of a title/lastname at all is Andi trying to respect boundaries-of-relationship now.
But it isn’t like she’s not educated or having been living by herself, or have KNOWN the Smiths for years… She’s an idiot LOL. That is truly the worst title to call her aside from slurs and curse words, because she KNOWS the person she’s addressing and STILL gets the title wrong when… I can only assume… she was trying to do the polite distance thing. Yer guess is as good as mine aside from it is another thing on the huge laundry pile of Andi mess-ups. What I wanna know is if Dave did it on purpose!
It is odd. I wouldn’t put too much weight on it, though. Unless Mari reacts to it one way or another, I’m going to assume Dave really meant to write Mrs. Smith but was typing the text in late at night.
Dunno, but check out Mari’s stance in the last panel. She is turned away from Andi… but her legs are together. She’s not walking away.
Eh, I refer to all females as Miss So-and-So, regardless of marital status and regardless of whether or not I know their marital status. Down here, most ladies tend to love that because “Miss” carries younger connotations than the other two.
Side note that doesn’t apply here: This is also a great way to still convey respect to someone who wants you to call them by their first name, such as with customers or clients.
Obviously different on a case by case basis, but I’ve known people who are offended if you call them Miss when its clear they are married.
I get annoyed when people (or cold calls, or mail) calls me Ms. I’m not a feminist, I don’t identify with any of that sub-culture, and to me the use of an unasked-for Ms. title takes away my freedom to identify with the culture I was raised in, which was until recently the prevailing American culture.
I really enjoy sites that allow correspondents to choose their own title, if it includes at least the four Mr. Mrs. Miss Ms., and ideally some Dr. and other options. Shows that they understand one size doesn’t fit all, and they don’t presume, they ask.
(Stupid un-editable Selkie comments… there’s an S up there that doesn’t belong.)
I’m more likely to get weirded by “Mrs” since I kept my last name. (Spouse’s last name + my first name = TOO LONG. And sounds funny together. And my last name is mine. So there. And 25 years of being married suggest it’s not a problem. 😉 I don’t mind a “Miz,” though I’ll quirk an eyebrow at “Miss” if it’s clear enough that it’s not a Ms./Miz.
As an African American female raised in an African American household, you don’t snatch from -nobody- unless you’re actively looking to get smacked into next week. Lol
Believe me that is a common trait households have now and then. It can be like culture shock going to any ones house and hitting on that family’s specific no no’s. One family I knew black listed anyone who didn’t ask first before using the restroom no matter how often you had been there. And another considered any use of the phrase of ‘I don’t care’ as extremely insulting. (I got given half a glass of tap water after using “I don’t care, anythings fine” as an answer to what I wanted to drink and was quietly informed later I had stepped on there family’s personal berserk button)
As a writer, I am highly interested in hearing more of these sub-culture taboos. I don’t know that I ever hit any myself… or perhaps I’ve just been blind to them (a problem, given my desire to write). Nearest I can remember was one family being very strict about cleaning your plate :\
Sub-culture might still be too broad a term. In my family, you’re a guest until the third or forth visit. Afterwards, you’re family and don’t need to ask permission for common things like bathroom use. Of course, you tend to get drafted for chores like cleaning up and doing dishes because, well, you’re family. 🙂
Is there a more accurate term? I’m assuming that although a given family might have some unique-to-the-family unwritten rules, most rules develop from a fusion of the two clans that joined within the marriage, mixed around a bit with the other families they’ve experienced and some things they’ve seen in the media and their own personal predilections and so on.
But I’d be very surprised to see these things pop out of nowhere. They seem more like trends that run through a swath of families, rather than just one.
Wow, those families sound like really shitty hosts.
Well, on the one hand, you shouldn’t assume that people who aren’t part of your family would know the unwritten rules. BUT you should be able to assume they don’t do certain societal rules (e.g. permanently marking up / painting parts of the house, picking roses, throwing things out that aren’t strictly trash, going nude where others can see them, using medicines of any kind without clearing it with the host, using the computer without asking, entering the master bedroom and snooping around, etc.).
I would hazard the problem is that it’s not always very clear to a family which rules are FAMILY rules, and which rules are SOCIAL TABOO rules. Family rules should be pointed out to guests; social taboo rules shouldn’t need to be unless the guest is from an entirely different culture. But if you’re so used to a family rule (no shoes in the house) that it feels like a social taboo rule, you might not think to do that, and you might assume they should automatically know.
If I’m hosting a dinner, and the guest starts doing things that are far outside the acceptable norm, I’m not being a “shitty host” to not invite them back, nor do I have to justify my decision. It’s just up to me to try to figure out if their behavior is unreasonable or if my expectations are the unreasonable ones.
That does get balanced against grace, for which I offer the following anecdote:
The Queen (I forget which one, but from England almost certainly) was hosting a dinner party, and a foreign dignitary was there.
The foreign dignitary wasn’t used to the English table manners, including the use of a finger-bowl — a little bowl of water for washing fingers between courses. So at one point he drank from it. Everyone in the room was aghast, and looked to the queen to find out her response.
With all the poise that is trained into true royalty from their youth, she raised her finger-bowl and drank from it, and the entire table followed suit.
In this way, she avoided any embarrassment to the dignitary. It was really a little thing after all, not worth troubling anyone over. And this is an example of true Grace.
Nice story:) I do like all the characters in Selkie, however, I don’t think I would label any of them as having grace, not even Lilian, for her flub with the wine LOL.
Rofl, yeah:)
wow. so much subtext here, i can´t even begin to point it all out – her ‘i came here to clean up a mess’ with an unspoken, but loud and clear ‘not to cause another/even more’ is epic…..yet, i´m still missing an apology. sndi says she wants to clean up her ‘mess’ aka make up for everything, but it seems she has no idea how to go about it. hence she´s constantly putting her foot in it.
You know… I bet Andi doesn’t have any idea how to go about it. I bet that anytime she messed up, as a kid, her mother basically micromanaged her Required Responses — and either Andi never managed to learn the rules; the Required Responses varied too much between incidents to have rules; and/or her mom never sat her down and gave a sequence of events for How To Apologize. Likewise, friends, school officials… Andi only apologizes reactively, not actively, normally, I bet. So Andi’s attempts to make up to people are foundering because she expects them to Tell Her what they want her to do to make it right, and… well, for one thing, this is nothing that can be Made Right. Eventually, with time and work and boundaries and pretending to be civil, I could see a positive outcome. Say, when Amanda’s 16 and hopefully more sorted out… But it’s one of those things that there’s not going to be much hurrying, I’d think, and no one’s yet had the awareness that they need to sit Andi down and give her rules and the “honestly, the wounds are fresh and it will probably take at least as long for them to heal as Amanda’s been alive” expectation. (And hold the boundaries firm themselves, because Andi is likely to reflexively, unconsciously test them.)
I hope someone does something like that soon, because one of the rules/boundaries that they’re going to have to think about is when and how to tell Amanda the truth. I’m sure Andi would like that to be “on the twelfth of NEVER” but it’s gonna come out someday. Someone will get mad at Andi and bam, right in front of the kid. (I’m still hyper-leery of Andi’s mom here as a potential vector for that information. I wonder if concern (conscious or not) for that has contributed to Andi not introducing Amanda to her other grandparent.)
There’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic, wherein Buffy is dealing with the aftereffects of a traumatic event from the television series.
And the guy who hurt her asks her what he can do to make it better.
They’ve come a long way, and are friends, but she still has some PTSD flashback-y kind of stuff going on in her brain. But after talking with a counselor, she finds enough grounding to point out to the guy who hurt her that, you know what, when she’s having this kind of trouble, she shouldn’t have to take time making sure that HE feels better (or less awkward).
That sometimes she’s going to need space, and sometimes she’s going to want closeness, and she will tell him what she wants, and he needs to be okay with it, whatever it is. But sometimes she’s not going to be able to deal with his emotional state at the same time as dealing with HER emotional state, and she shouldn’t have to, and he needs to accept that.
I think the comic was heavy-handed and just a wee bit out-of-character for the hero… and I understand why they probably did it, to avoid some real-life implications of the way they wrote the tale, because there are some very strong in-story reasons that it doesn’t mesh with real-life situations, but the implications are unavoidable — but despite that, I found the comments interesting, and they helped me understand how that sort of situation might go in real life, in a way I didn’t before reading it.
Sometimes the victim of an old injury (let alone a fresh one) isn’t capable of conveying “what must I do” to the one who hurt them. And they shouldn’t have to, because their first concern is NOT the emotional state of the one who hurt them.
You have a point; the “sit down and explain how slow progress would be” action — while I think it would be really important — would probably wind up coming from someone less involved in being the ones bleeding.
(I’m raising a kid on the autism spectrum. Sweet and empathic, but sometimes explaining the social rules for the form that empathy should take… Well, ya gotta deconstruct them yourself, then try to explain “why” as far back as the “why” goes before you get to “I dunno, but that’s the societal expectation.
I do NOT think Andi is on the spectrum, but I do think she would’ve (and still would) benefitted from some clearly-laid-out social skills, with the motivations behind them…)
…I think I’m in the “Andi, you and Amanda should be getting some therapist time” camp now. *wry chuckle*
You know, one of the coolest “This kind of thing actually EXISTS?” books I ever ran into at the library was a book that laid out all the little tidbits of unwritten code people in general English/American culture abide by — for the benefit of those for whom “unwritten rules of social conduct” is at best a foreign language and at worst complete gibberish.
(I mean, why DO we have such a hang-up about discussions of money, or about saying things using their actual words? It’s weird.)
I have my own problems with social cues, though I doubt I’m anywhere near the Autistic/Asperger’s spectrum. But I found that book incredibly gratifying. It just went through — not in paragraphs but in bullet points under different headings — each and every little thing that you might want to know about how to navigate social issues.
Everything from “When you eat, you use a fork and not your fingers” to “Don’t just leave the table when you’re done; stay there and talk until everyone else is done too.” (Not specific examples from the book, but the general kind of stuff they covered.)
There’s a website I’ve run into a couple times that does this for cultures. Going on a business trip to Thailand? Here’s what you need to know to keep from offending anyone and to translate between your intentions as an American and the way they READ your intentions as someone from Thai culture.
It’s actually really cool to read through all the little tidbits you wouldn’t think of until someone’s glaring at you and you’re wondering what you did wrong.
I am impressed Andi. Yes, it wasn’t as polite as it could have been but it is way more mature than I would ever have guessed she could be, especially after a miniature roller-coaster. And being able to admit that a) she caused a huge mess and b) would like to clean it up are both a big step (at least to me). And the fact that this really does a bit more to show that she actually is here for Amanda’s sake than I originally took her to be. Andi got moved onto my not-so-hated list. I still think a long time in therapy sessions would be extremely helpful, but at least she made some strides here.
I’m glad that Andi’s cleaning the mess but why couldn’t she asked for the broom? It’s bit rude to take it from her hand like that.
Yes, rude. But, you know… I think, in context, it is Andi showing a bit of backbone. She won’t be shuffled off to “watch the girls, or something,” leaving Mari to fix yet another mess. This is not a situation where she should say “May I please…?” That would imply she might take no for an answer — and she won’t. She’s not going to ASK Mari for permission to clean up her own mess. She’s going to do it.
My guess is, if she’d asked, Andi thought Mari would lay into her even more so being pro-active was the way to go; Mari’s already pissed as hell at her, why add to it when doing is almost always the better choice.
Which is why I suggested a better alternative: firmly grab broom while saying that you intend to clean up your own mess. And if she wants to show even more backbone, don’t let go when Mari won’t give LOL
Mari needs to fucking chill like holy shit.
The woman (a bit of a stretch given Andi’s age and maturity level) who for the past 8 years had been lying to Marci (and her family) about her granddaughter being dead, including for all but the last year being an ACTIVE part of that family as Todd’s girlfriend (think about that, all the Christmases, Thanksgiving, etc. spent together), guilt tripped her way in to their Christmas Eve celebration, just dumped the urn containing her granddaughters fake ashes all over the kitchen floor after going from supposedly remorseful teary mess to happy go lucky in a matter of seconds. Yeah I’m going to say Marci is well within her rights to be pissed off at Andi (who still has yet to say “I’M SORRY”).
Not only is their the complete and utter betrayal from this massive lie, there’s the loss and mourning that she unnecessarily put the family through as well. On top of which its now readily apparent that Andi has and continues to be willing to manipulate Todd, Marci’s son.
In all honesty I don’t know if I would have HALF the control that Marci has had up til now when dealing with Andi, post-Amanda’s still alive revelation.
Her name’s Mari, not Marci.
Typo, also rather besides the point…
I only mentioned it because on this page you’ve been consistently calling her Marci, so I thought you might want to fix that.
Adventure Time, common grab your friends…
So, I’ve noticed you use this spelling before. (Or possibly someone else use it here, but it’s unusual enough that I think it was you.)
The word “common” (KOM-uhn) is “normal, in general use.”
You seem to be after the phrase “come on” (KUM ahn / KUM on), an invitation or command to jump in and do something. The short form is “c’mon,” which attempts to make one syllable out of a sound combo English doesn’t like to work with (KMAHN / KMON) but generally ends up more like 2 syllables, or at least one and a have (k’ MAHN / k’ MON).
Thus “Come on, grab your friends” or “C’mon, grab your friends.”
Yeah, my phone auto corrects things of its own accord and most of the time I don’t catch it.
I would agree. If someone did this to my family there would be blood spilled – at the very least a bloody nose and some bruises/scratches.
Mari is skirting the line of justifiably angry and on-my-nerves vindictive. Andi dropped the urn when she heard her child scream, that’s a pretty good reason to drop what you’re holding and run to your kid. Andi then returns to the kitchen expecting to clean up the spill and is rather surprised to find Mari starting to clean rather than handing her the broom.
Mari’s allowed to be angry. She’s allowed to tell Andi just WHY she’s so angry and make it clear that the family dynamic they’ve enjoyed for the last nine years is going to change. But she’s going to need to ease up a bit unless she wants to poison her relationship with Amanda.
Mari is more annoyed that Andi took something from her without asking and in all honesty. That’s pretty dang rude.
It is also possible that, Mari being more experienced, recognized Amanda’s yell and an exclamation of delight whereas Andi tore outta the room like it was (perhaps in Mari’s opinion) convenient to exuent while she could and get outta the heat (yes, of the kitchen… so many metaphors visually here!) But, really, Andi was likely just thinking, “Hell! What’s wrong with my kid?!” And, obviously, there’s a lack of communication between the two. It is Andi’s forte after all:)
Ah, Andi, sweetie….that’s the problem right there. “It’ll never bother you again.” But it will. The fact that you’ve brought Amanda back does not undo the eight years of suffering and grief your continued-with-props lie brought to people you ostensibly cared for. While YOU might have suffered from guilt, YOU at least had the “knowledge” that Amanda was ALIVE. You never experienced the same depth of suffering they did…your loss was one of a choice you made with hope of better life…theirs was one of DEATH. Right now your presence is causing them PAIN, something you seem to continue to be oblivious to.
Huh. I dunno. I wonder if Andi is trying to say SHE’LL never bother them again or that the ashes won’t… Which isn’t true, because she’s gotta dump that somewhere and it has to be in the Smith’s garbage can… So, yeah, whoever takes out the trash will know it’s in there. But that’s the little stuff I guess.
Question: is she gonna keep the urn or toss it, too?
Seems to me more like “At least this is ONE reminder I can move out of your life right now.” And that seems like an okay thing to say. Those who spent so long with that urn will carry the memories, occasionally get triggered by them, but with the urn itself gone it will be one — just ONE — factor they don’t have to be affronted with on a regular basis.
I say it’s a start. And if Andi could learn to value the decision-making skills of other people, and their right to know what they’re choosing and choose it instead of having the choice made for them or being forced to make the choice in ignorance, that’d go a long way toward making some other things stop being such roadblocks to normalcy.
Indeed!
A few others have made some interesting points. Particulalry regarding Andi’s mother. Though I don’t think she is being hesitant about that meeting so much as practical. She asked her mother to come to the adoption and was refused because “I already said goodbye”. Cant say I would expect that meeting to happen for a long time if at all.
Andi not knowing how to make amends seems pretty improbable/unlikely. You don’t soend years as someones girlfriend and part of their family without a few fights and learning at least some basics on how to resolve them without grudges. Now that isnt to say she could perfectly resolve this even if she knew exactly how they handle fights and apologies. However that long means she at least should know what theyd expect on a basic level.
As for the snatching of the broom. There were both better and worse ways to handle that. The best option imo was not ask, nor grab. A firm “No, I will, you go spend time with your grandchildren” would A) remove the option of saying no without being rude and B) remind Mari that they are her family and they aren’t going to be here every day of the year.
This may seem and probably is a little manipulative, but I do think Mari needs the reminder that this is holiday with family and her time with Amanda is far more restricted then Andi’s.
Great points! I like the last one best:)