Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t
Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t
Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t
Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t
Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t
Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t
Can’t Can’t
Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t Can’t
Actually drew this one the night before update day because I was drawing the Art Exhibit strips when I realized I'd forgotten to draw this scene. Woops. :x
Sorry Andi… you CAN’T help it… 😀
seriously though, at least she’s RECOGNIZED that she may have a block to get through HERSELF, since that may end up putting some more friction in her relationship with Amanda, BEFORE it REALLY becomes a big problem…
i think that she’ll back down from really enforcing the new hair look for Amanda, but realize that she needs to change HER hair, in order to “grow up” and (at least figuratively) turn over a new leaf for herself… and when she sees Todd the next time (probably at the Art Gallery), he won’t even recognize her and he’ll end up blathering on about her as if she wasn’t RIGHT THERE… after which he’ll insert foot into mouth soon afterwards…
I think that is what she is seeing here- and I am having much more respect for her now. Andi recognizes the cycle, and can even break it. Andi is on her way to being a good mom, or at least a better mom than hers was to her.
But…Isn’t she really teaching Amanda that she *can* do something. She didn’t demand that Amanda do something different, she appealed to her innate competitiveness to get her to try something new. This is the exact opposite of what her mom did. Andi’s letting her insecurities get in the way of her natural parenting instincts. Which, y’know I think happens all the time.
I read the last strip as Andi issuing a challenge, rather than a command. Interesting to see how her own context changes it. This isn’t a wholly bad use of “can’t”, and it is so good to see Andi realizing it could become a slippery slope for her.
…Please don’t veer in to overpermissiveness, Andi. We’re really liking you right now.
The flashback to Patricia talking about young Andi’s art reminds me of that song “Flowers Are Red” by Harry Chapin, about a strict teacher traumatizing a child to the point of being incapable of creative artistic expression.
A little boy went, first day of school;
He got some crayons and started to draw.
He put colours all over the paper,
For colour was what he saw.
The teacher said, “Whatcha doing, young man?”
“I’m painting flowers,” he said.
She said, “It’s not time for art right now;
And anyway, flowers are green and red.
There’s a time and place for everything
And a way it should be done.
You’ve got to show concern for others,
For you’re not the only one.
Flowers are red, young man,
And leaves should be green.
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen.”
“But,” the little boy said,
“There are so many colours in a rainbow –
So many colours in the morning sun –
So many colours in a flower –
And I see every one!”
“Well!” the teacher said. “You’re sassy.
There’s ways that things should be,
And you’ll paint flowers the way they are,
So repeat after me:
Flowers are red, young man,
And leaves should be green.
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen.”
“But,” the little boy said again,
“There are so many colours in a rainbow –
So many colours in the morning sun –
So many colours in a flower –
And I see every one!”
So the teacher put him in a corner.
She said, “It’s for your own good.
And you won’t come out until you get it right
And are responding like you should.”
Well, finally he got lonely.
Frightened thoughts filled his head.
So he went up to that teacher,
And this is what he said …
“Flowers are red.
And leaves should be green.
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen …”
Then time went by, as it always does.
They moved to another town,
And the little boy went to another school,
Where this is what he found:
The teacher there was smiling,
And said, “Painting should be fun.
There are so many colours in a flower,
So let’s use every one!”
But that little boy painted flowers
In rows of green and red.
And when the teacher asked him why,
This is what he said …
“Flowers are red.
And leaves should be green.
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen …”
That made me so sad.
Yup:( And angerish!
Reminds me of a story, “A Real Santa Clause”.
Not sure if it was Anne McCaffree or Garth Nix. It was in a short-story compilation.
I was thinking about this again and it reminded me of a bit of parenting advice I stumbled across on social media.
“Ideally, a parent is not trying to raise an obedient child. They are trying to raise a healthy, functional adult.”
The hell you can’t color the trees as you wish. Give them sharp deadly teeth, the better to eat their enemies with! Run them off with the sheer wtfery of a child’s mind!
Yeah, I know, she’s one of these people with no vision and that made Andi hold back at the wrong times, and push other wrong times.
I say the hell with limits. Except the good ones like not crossing on a red. That’s a good limit.
I remember sitting at a restaurant as a kid and you know they give you like four crayons and a place mat to color. Well I looked at my mom and said “they don’t have any flesh colors how will I color my people in.” Cause there was no browns, tans, peaches or the like only green, blue, red and I think orange. And I remember her saying “well color them like in Doug you have blue people and green so it does matter what color they are.” That made me happy as I colored but then again my mum was an artist like Andy so makes sense she would say that. ^=^
I read a lot of fantasy stories. So my niece has seen red people and green people, and all sorts of color people because largely I haven’t hidden my books from her, and let her read them as she pleases. So she wouldn’t have hesitated as a little spud to color them as she wishes. Only her teacher, as stated below told her she can’t.
I always told her that as long as she’s willing to do the heavy lifting to get or do something, she can.
Sometimes I run across the things where adults are coloring in twee coloring books, but making them all sorts of crazy. Like, take a pic of two animals cavorting and turn it into a Satanic ritual or something.
I can’t say as I appreciate all the the things that come out of this, but it makes me happy to know that people have broken out of the mold like that.
Andi, please let it go. Your mother used “can’t” to keep you within her boundaries. You used “can’t” to help Amanda break out of hers.
Exactly. Andi doesn’t want to harm Amanda the way her mother harmed her. Encouraging her child to consider trying out a new hairstyle is not the same as telling her she’s doing everything wrong, and Amanda taking it as a challenge to “win” is an adorably positive response by comparison.
MERSANG AND HARRY CHAPIN HAVE BROKEN MY HEART
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
All “Can’t” and no “Can” makes Amanda just like her Grandmother.
(Andi’s “Shining” moment of realization…)
…Huh?
It’s okay, Andi! You did the exact opposite of what your mom did! You are doing fine!
Just… yeah, keep in mind you shouldn’t be emulating her. That’s a good thing to think.
My niece learned to color in the lines. When she was much younger, she used random colors and colored outside the lines. I always said her pictures looked lovely. Why? Because she was proud and happy with them. I want her to be that way.
I want to reach the past-Andi’s mom and slap her across the face.
My niece used to be super proper about everything, and it would horrify her if you colored outside the lines. At least, that’s how my head is playing back that stuff right now — it’s been a while. She also refused to play certain types of make-believe because she didn’t like saying things that weren’t true, including pretending to be someone else.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, there’s a whole movement of adults using coloring books to make horrific expressions of unexpected creativity. Maybe you have a picture of a cute little caterpillar and his mouse buddy: Just draw on some pentagrams and weird scars and some candles, color it in a bit, and you’ve got an homage to the dark arts. Or maybe you turn Hello Kitty into a creepy marionette.
I may not care for specific versions that come out of that movement, but the movement at a whole deeply interests me. It’s awesome to take something expected and use creativity to make it unexpected and unique.
That’s one of the things about fan art that interests me. I may not always like the *subject* of a particular piece (some of them may be Nightmare Fuel, Gorn or very violent), but a lot of them are *incredibly* good in terms of style and/or realism and the artist has recognizable talent.
My niece no longer plays with Crayons. She’s gotten into science. But when she did color, she didn’t bother coloring inside the lines. When her teacher told her she needed to color inside the lines, me and her mom both did some coloring and did it outside the lines to show up the teacher. The look on my niece’s face when her artist mother and her “cool” uncle did exactly what she did on purpose. The look on her face was palpable.
My sister made it look good. I don’t have the artist streak in me, so it looked like a weird mass of colors. But that’s just as good for a kid’s self esteem.
Well I thought the strategy was great. ‘Scuse me for being a brain-hacker type.
Well there has to be SOME can’t. Otherwise there won’t be any can. Such is the road of parenting Andi.
Besides, a little judiciously applied “can´t” in the right place can serve as a challenge rather than a prohibition.
Fortunately for her, Amanda’s personality is different.
Slippery slope, there.
Typically, when the abused have their own children, they either perpetuate the abuse (treating their child like they were treated), or avoid structure and discipline of any sort due to not wanting the child to “suffer” the parent’s bad memories… which is what we’re seeing here. Andi is feeling guilt for trying to give her child structure and discipline, even on a playful note, because Andi herself had an overbearing, emotionally-abusive mother.
I was thankful that my abusive mother constituted for only a fraction of my parenting… and I was raised more by my father and grandparents. I learned how NOT to parent from her –don’t beat the hell out of my kids and call them names– and learned loving, positive parenting from Dad, Gramaw and Capaw. They always supported me in what I wanted to do and have, and my imagination. Dad would sit down and draw with me, let me dress up weird and even help me with silly costumes made out of handkerchiefs and stuff, and would take me to the thrift store where we’d find the weirdest toys. I had dolls and stuff, but my favorite toys were always the villains. And that was one thing my mom DID have… both my parents liked imaginitive art, dad would draw pictures and we’d color them, mom colored in coloring books, but things didn’t have to be the “right” colors. Hell, my dad liked getting me flourescent markers and crayons, and we’d have fun putting a blacklight on our drawings!
I’m very much worried Andi is going to try too hard to be the ‘cool’ mom who’s more of a friend than a mom. The free spirited mom who let’s her child do whatever, with no boundaries or precautions… because of the horrible parents she suffered.
Also, “Can’t keep my own kid” I knew her mom essentially forced her to give up Amanda. I bet she told her to choose her mom or her boyfriend and then worded it as if she was doing Andi a favor. Said she could support Andi, but if she kept Amanda she wouldn’t support her and that she was taking a huge risk relying on Todd. That he might up and leave her alone with a child and no mother to fall back on. She probably scared the hell out of poor Andi and it ruined her relationship with Todd…
It’s a good concern, but so far we haven’t seen her do that. She made Amanda go to school when she tried to miss it, she corrects Amanda for calling Selkie fishface, and corrected her for screaming at Todd, too. She also had a talk with Amanda when she hit her and told her the next time that happened there’d be consequences. So thus far I’m actually impressed with her parenting.
Well, Andi must have had *some* stuff in her all along, because despite all of Patricia’s “canting”, Andi became an artist anyway. (I don’t happen to think she’s a very *good* artist; but at least she somehow retained the impulse for creative self-expression.)
And now, I present:
In Defense of Patricia
I don’t like Patricia. She has been the source of so much of the screwed-upness in Andi’s life, and thus, indirectly, so much of Amanda’s pain. As pointed out in the strip above, at the very least her default mode, her whole approach to life, is automatically negative and restrictive. She bulldozered her teenage daughter into giving up the baby, without taking into consideration the fact that there were other grandparents involved, very unusual grandparents with an admirable capacity for inclusive love and creative coping. Had those other grandparents been given the opportunity to have any input in the decision, that might have resulted in a much different childhood for Amanda. Patricia must surely have known them, and known what kind of people they were, because her daughter and their son had been boon companions for years; and yet she arbitrarily disposed of a child *she* did not want, as she saw fit.
Because when she herself had been in the same predicament, nobody at all helped her. We don’t observe Andi having any grandparents. There is no reference to there being anyone else in the family except Patricia and Andi. No father for Andi, no aunts or uncles or cousins. I think we know why. (Sure, maybe they’re just offstage. But I bet not.)
At a very young age, Patricia had to take on the adult role of motherhood, and she had to do it alone. She saw what it did to her own life. She loved her daughter, but could scarcely have helped but notice the limitations that having a child placed upon her. Ever since her pregnancy, Patricia’s life has been fairly grim and solitary. Whatever ambitions she may have had, whatever opportunities she may have been hoping for, vanished forever into the “might-have-been”. When you are struggling to survive, you stop devoting mental energy to deciding on your major. Adults can be traumatized, too.
The concept of a supportive extended family, of a friendly little village helping to raise a child, simply did not exist in Patricia’s narrowed worldview. She wanted her daughter to have a better life than she herself had had. Well, that is the instinctive impulse of *a good mother*. It’s just unfortunate that her outlook was so colored by fear and defensiveness, rather than hope and creativity.
In a very real sense, Amanda has paid the price of her *great-grandparents’* cold-heartedness — people she will never meet; people whose very names she may never know.
Andi’s job now is to learn to make better, smarter, more optimistic choices herself; and then to guide Amanda into the same world of possibility.
Well, even her GREAT GRANDPARENTS could have been abused… it could go back ridiculously far.
I admit she probably thought she was helping Andi in the long run, but she lost Todd for it and Andi feels utterly alone and abandoned. She doesn’t KNOW other people, her whole young adult life was Todd. I understand how that feels. I understand it a lot. Her mom screwed her up. I get her mom also had a troubled life and so even HER actions can theoretically be excused because of the lack of support she had in life.
I just hope Todd’s family can forgive them both. And I hope Andi’s mom can realize what she did to Andi and apologize for it.
Todd especially should be able to relate to parental abuse. We’ve seen times where Todd is so enraged her says and does awful things because he can barely contain himself. I firmly believe he’s probably trained himself immensely to NOT hit other people, but I’d bet money his first thought or knee-jerk reaction is to smack someone and he just manages to refrain from doing so BECAUSE he had a loving family.
So he should know how it feels to struggle against the things he was technically ‘raised’ on and had it ingrained in him.
I mean hell, look at Amanda… Amanda is basically what Todd would have been if he hadn’t been saved.
“Amanda is basically what Todd would have been.”
This is something I thought of a few days ago, too. Why did Todd choose Selkie? Because she reminded him of himself. In an incredible twist of irony, had Amanda been real with him, had shown the inner pain that she had, he might have adopted her. But because she was so concerned with appearing to be a perfect little girl, Todd passed her up for someone who WAS real about her pain.
Totally off the topic of this strip, but this seemed as good of an opportunity as any to bring it up.
I was about to say something similar; that I wondered how far back the abuse goes. By and large, people don’t all of a sudden decide to be abusive. Children tend to follow the example that their parents set because “this is what a family is apparently supposed to look like.” (Or else to completely repudiate everything thing that their parents did and go the exact opposite direction, which is what it appears Andi is trying to do.)
Usually I like the raw shapes that are Dave’s “flashback” style. Here, I wish there was more detail. Specifically, I wish that I could see Patricia’s face when she says “That’s what lines are FOR.” It seems to me that she is trying, although in a very unhelpful way, to teach her daughter that some boundaries are there for our protection. Boundaries like “Don’t play in the street,” “Don’t ride a bike without a helmet,” or in this case, “Sex as a teenager (or as a single person in general) is a bad idea.”
Insisting on every single rule being followed to the letter is a terrible way to try to make that point, as it often does lead to some form of rebellion in potentially devastating ways (like the fact that Andi ended up doing exactly what Patricia was trying to protect her from), but if I’m right that that’s what she was trying to do, then she at least is trying to help, even if she is very much NOT helping. That’s why I wish that I had a face to go on, as that would help to either confirm or contradict my hypothesis.
Yeesh. What a load of cant.
I’ll see myself out.
Overreacting to every little thing you say, AFTER it would have been useful to question it? Yep, that’s a mom.
“Can’t keep my own kid”
Well you were a kid yourself Andi so it wouldn’t have been a good idea, kids having kids never is. Setting some boundaries for Amanda isn’t a bad thing, you just have to know how to do it right. I’m sure a library would have good books on the subject.
Here is where Andi can make a difference. There are several different reasons to use Can’t. For instance: “No, you can’t drive the car because you are 9.” “No, you can’t stick a fork in the the outlet.” Can’t has a purpose. However, if used as just a way to get a kid to stop or just because you feel it is stupid isn’t right. Andi used can’t in a way to motivate, not discourage or prevent Amanda from doing something. I think every parent has used it in both ways whether we wanted to or not.
Can’t isn’t a bad word. It is used to set boundaries when needed.
Weird how she’s thinking she’s just like the mother, when the mother was telling her she ‘can’t do that’ to stop her from doing it and shut her down.
Andi, on the other hand, is employing reverse psychology on a stubborn child to encourage her to open up
Her mother is dumb, guess she never saw trees in autumn?
After reading this comic page and the poem/story in the comments I was inspired/compelled to draw my own ‘incorrectly’ colored forest.
http://ms-draca.deviantart.com/art/forest-587055556
Check out https://notalwayslearning.com/blue-in-the-face-over-the-dino/38953 for another story of “rules” of coloring.
Good story. I left you a comment, though it probably says it’s from ‘Ignatz’ (as the mouse from Krazy Katt).
The difference being, you were using reverse psychology to trick her into overcoming the “can’t.” That’s different from stifling creativity. You’re doing fine, Andi.
Well, with reverse psychology your teaching her that she “can”.
When a kid starts asking why certain things are required or forbidden, don’t answer, or make up answers (and don’t keep track – the less consistent they are and the less sense they make the better). Do keep track of things you’ve argued strongly for or against – so that occasionally you can punish them for obeying the previous version of the rules.
Now it’s true quite a few of these kids will break. Some may end up serial murderers, or such, but the ones who make it will be the rebels of the next generation.
It seems to have worked with Andi…
And Amanda?
If Andi turned into another Patricia, and 17 year old Amanda was giving birth, I would not bet against a scenario where Amanda uses The Voice, orders her mother out of the room, and keeps the baby.
Oh, look, Andi’s mom is a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE person.
Personally, I don’t think the use of can’t is the same. With Andi, she was using it in an positive way, like saying that it wasn’t in her ability to change her hair, which of course it is and Amanda took it as a challenge as intended. Andi’s mom however, used it in a negative way, such as Andi is capable of drawing the trees a different color or outside the lines but shouldn’t. There is a difference between using it for positive and negative reasons but people were brought up with Can’t being a dirty word so to speak.
This flashback scene brought to you by Harry Chapin. ^_^
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cVpkzZpDBA
…and brought back some of my own childhood memories. Thanks for that (although, listening to this youtube vid, I think the version my parents played for me back then was someone else’s cover of the song. Something with a guitar and not a goofy sounding ukulele and a recorder… Hmm… )